2024 Was A Difficult Year

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

As the title of this blog post indicates, 2024 was a difficult year for me personally. Below is a high-level timeline of major events and/or adversity this year:

• Feb 29, 2024: Divorce finalized after three-years (a Transfer or Residence ordered for Alexander into my care)
• March 30, 2024: Landlord informed us we need to move in two months time (landlord selling, no option to renew the lease, terrible timing with recent transfer or residence)
• May 16, 2024: Moved house from Goswell Road to Clerkenwell
• June 20, 2024: Surgery for Alexander (adenoids removal)
• September 2024: Nanny gave notice (illness in the family)
• October 6, 2024: Steven diagnosed with ADHD
• October 30, 2024: Employment ended (start of Garden Leave/non-compete period lasting until February 2026)
• December 11, 2024: Steven applied to extend UK Parent Visa (unable to travel home for Christmas in 2024, unable to travel for 12 months b/c did not fast track)
• December 18, 2024: Steven formally denied ADHD medication via 3rd party provider
• January 13, 2025: Steven diagnosed with ASC (autism) at 38 years old
• February 28, 2025: Moving flats again

Quite a year. First off, why am I publishing this on my blog and not just firing off an email? My goal in making this public is to seek assistance from a broader audience than my current network alone. By opening up and sharing my world I hope that can also expand and improve it for both me and my son. I am sharing some of the realities of my life as it has been for the past several years to seek all the support I can get as well as looking forward with as much hope and optimism as I can muster. I hope that I can be pointed in the right direction on the myriad of things going on in my life right now.

A few disclaimers, without going into too much detail, before I continue. First, I know that my life is Objectively Messed Up. I am not leading the life that I would have chosen for myself at 38 years old in numerous ways. For just one example of a way in which my life is Messed Up, without giving you Too Much Information (TMI), I owe the United States IRS over $100,000 in taxes after liquidating my entire IRA in 2023 to pay for legal bills relating to my divorce. That obviously sucks, and it is just the tip of the iceberg for how messed up my life is. But I also know that the circumstances I am dealing with are my responsibility and my responsibility alone. My life circumstances right now are a function of my own past decision making, I know that. Yes, I have had some shit luck in a few spots, and it would have been great to know that I have ADHD and autism much earlier in life, but here we are! All I can do now is move forward with the information I have now and a positive attitude. I cannot change anything that came before. All that I can do is make the best decisions that I can going forward.

Now, with that out of the way, let's dive into that timeline a little bit. As noted, my 2024 kicked off with the culmination of a 3-year divorce. In February 2024, the divorce was finalized on the children arrangements side of things - and the courts determined that ordering a Transfer of Residence for Alexander into my care would be in his best interests.^1 Those first few weeks were the hardest. There were a lot of tears and confusion initially, and it did not come easily to me to find the right words to explain the situation to Alexander. I found the words as I spoke as literally and plainly as I could. I explained that there was a "change in circumstances" and that Alexander was going to live with Daddy from now on. I told him that I would make sure that he attended school on time and that he would still get to see his mother regularly. I told him it was not his fault. I bought some books to help me explain things, including Two Homes Filled with Love and Stuck in the Middle. During this time, I knew that I needed to be strong for Alexander both mentally and emotionally. Yet 2024 continued to throw us curve ball after curve ball. But that's life, right? What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. Unless we break, of course, and I have been working hard to avoid breaking. I have continued to prioritize Alexander’s well-being above everything else. That has been my North Star. Yet I am aware that I cannot take care of others unless I am taking care of myself. The first five months following the transfer of residence, from March 2024 until August 2024, were the hardest. I slept in the same bed with Alexander nearly every night, because he needed me to. I worked hard to give him the security, stability, and consistency that he needed to thrive as a human being. As of this writing, Alexander's school attendance is over 99% and he’s making marvelous strides at school both academically and socially. At the end of fall term, Alexander got a nice shout out in the newsletter, on page 2 no less, for being the first in his class to master all of the times tables up to 10.^2

Switching gears a bit to work, back in March 2023, I was promoted to a first-time managerial position of a team of 7 SREs. My job is/was SRE or "Site Reliability Engineering" (I tell my Mom is that the job of an SRE is to "fix computers/apps when they break and make it less likely that they break in the first place"). The learning curve was steep - I am sure that I speed-ran every mistake that a first-time engineering manager can make. Of course, this will all be great experience for my next role in 2026, but I look back and cringe a bit (I will be sure to write more about my managerial lessons in due time, but this is not that post). On October 30, 2024 I was given notice that my employment would be ending (I don’t think I’m allowed to say much else regarding the circumstances than that). I am now on paid Gardening Leave and I will soon be on a paid non-compete period lasting up until just about the start of February 2026. From the start of my Garden Leave I will be able to spend the 15 months with my son Alexander, making all of the school runs, and having some fun and great times along the way. This period will certainly turn out to be one of the most beautiful periods of my life. I will be working hard to prepare for my next job all the while as I need to continue to provide for Alexander (ETA: I found out I may not be able to travel for 12 months b/c I did not fast track my application and I am extremely bummed).

Although I have a 45-page report stating that I have ADHD, I have been denied ADHD medication via the remote-only provider that diagnosed me, ProblemShared, due to a pre-existing medical condition of Bipolar I. This is despite the DSM guidance being that ADHD medication can be prescribed in conjunction with managed Bipolar. I have appealed and repeatedly been told the decision is final. The waiting time for an adult ADHD assessment on the NHS is 3-4 years. Although I am continuing to work hard on procuring ADHD medication through approved channels, and researching "Right to Choose" providers, it has been challenging - many providers say they'd need to do their own diagnosis which would cost about £1k to £2k and take 5-6 months from today.

I cannot help but feel despair on this point as I have a diagnosis of this disability and seemingly no way to get the medication that would "cure" this disability. I am currently experimenting with some supplements called BrainZyme for the moment, as recommended by a therapist who says some of her patients use BrainZyme when they cannot get ADHD medication for whatever reason (e.g., the recent shortage). I have written about the mixed emotions of the diagnosis, but now I am having an even harder time dealing with having the diagnosis but being denied the "cure" of the medication unless I right through the right hoops with the right provider (ETA: This might be getting sorted out soon).

Apparently, ADHD is genetic and indeed one of the reasons I begin investigating the possibility that I had ADHD was researching it for my son. My son Alexander was also diagnosed with ADHD recently, and fortunately he can get ADHD medication, although I have not yet been able to administer the ADHD medication for Alexander b/c I still share parental responsibility with his mother. I'll seek to resolve this in mediation, otherwise I'll need to make a specific issue order to the court, as I understand it. Both of Alexander's Occupational Therapists, and his teacher/LSA, think that he'd benefit massively from ADHD medication (paradoxically, apparently it can also help children regulate sleep?). Of course, if he does not try the medication the titration period cannot begin.

Regarding all the other stuff going on, it is under control as much as it can be I suppose. My one complaint is that non-emergency mental health care via the NHS is not very good. I am finally having a phone call regarding anti-depressants next week despite making initial contact with my GP back in November. I will see if that helps matters at all, while I continue trying to find a viable path for ADHD medication for myself.

My autism diagnosis is not a shock to me, although it might be to some others that know me (coming from a big family I must be good at "masking"). I have strongly suspected I've had autism since releasing Surlesol in 2021 with zero fanfare except for a former college classmate, now an ABA practitioner, who said he'd been thinking of designing something similar for kids with autism. Considering that I'd designed Surlesol for myself, I stopped to think, "what then does that say about me?" I asked my former classmate if he thought I could be on the spectrum and he answered somewhat dismissively, "Nah, you're not autistic" which I thought was a bit blasé (i.e., unconcerned) but oh well. I'll write another, longer post on the autism diagnosis later on if I find time.

Please don't be concerned if you're reading this and wondering if I am "on a ledge." This blog post is not a cry for help. I have a strong support network in the Ramey family back in Minnesota and I have strong protective factors being Alexander's near full-time carer. If you have any advice for me, I am open to it, but please don't worry about me - I will be OK. With all that said, this blog post is not me throwing myself a pity party and asking you all to feel bad for me! Rather, it is my way of opening up and saying, "This is what is happening, and has been happening, in my world, for better or worse."

I want to make my life better, and I want to make Alexander's life better. I really do. And a big part of that will involve me taking a good hard look at my life, why it is the way that it is, and accepting responsibility for various aspects of my life that are my fault and my fault alone.

For a long time, I have had a near obsession with self-improvement, and I never really knew why. When I went back for my 15-year reunion at Carleton College I told some friends that if I ever gave a TED/TEDx talk, I'd title it "I'm Not a Hypochondriac, There's just a lot wrong with me." All of these labels, they are only useful in so far as they direct you where to go. Now that I have these labels I am starting to build a better understanding of my self. This is hard, and not easy. Hellen Keller said, "People don’t like to think, if one thinks, one must reach conclusions. Conclusions are not always pleasant." The fact is that I am coming to some pretty unpleasant conclusions about myself. Yet I hope that my new understanding of why I am the way I am will give me a solid foundation to build upon (a foundation I have been missing, frankly, until now).

In the book The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch, he refers to himself as a "recovering asshole." Randy goes on to apologizes to former colleagues and friends for being a jerk. Well, in this section here, let me say "mea culpa" if I have been an asshole. I am sorry for past interpersonal transgressions or if my ego got in the way of a more productive relationship. This past year, and few months especially, I have been experiencing a bit of "ego death." For a long time, my ego was so high and so fragile that I did not even realize it was protecting me (or protecting itself?). When I did manage to finally "lower my ego," what I see is often far from pleasant. Going forward, however, I would much prefer to see things as they are and not as I want them to be. The Litany of Tarski says:

If the box contains a diamond, I desire to believe that the box contains a diamond; If the box does not contain a diamond, I desire to believe that the box does not contain a diamond; Let me not become attached to beliefs I may not want.

The diamond in my case could be many things. Most of all, I think the thing that I need to reassess is, "I am a successful person, and effective in the world." Am I successful? Am I effective? For a long time, I believed, "Yes, I am relatively successful, if I only just do X then everything will be good." But X was always right around the corner. Or never came. My life is supremely fucked up, and I have only myself to blame. One thing I am proud of, regarding success, is that the people that I want to love me do love me (at least for now). This is an oft cited quote from Warren Buffett regarding how he defines success - until recently it did not make much sense to me, until I considered what life would be like if, for example, I wanted my son to love me but he did not. But I know he does, both because he tells me and because I can feel it. At any rate, there are many other things to fix.

Saying all this here, now, is not easy. One thing that has massively helped me to arrive here, at this place of understanding, is the book, Thinking in Bets by Annie Duke. In a particularly relevant section of the book, Annie talks about how David Letterman challenged Lauren Conrad to consider objectively whether a source of her problems, indeed the main source, was in fact her. Annie notes that in this exchange, it was impolite of David Letterman to challenge Lauren Conrad without first establishing the trust to have this exchange. Yes, Letterman may have been correct that Conrad's actions throughout her life had been attracting drama, but he was wrong to challenge her publicly without trust established:

“Truthseeking, the desire to know the truth regardless of whether the truth aligns with the beliefs we currently hold, is not naturally supported by the way we process information. We might think of ourselves as open-minded and capable of updating our beliefs based on new information, but the research conclusively shows otherwise. Instead of altering our beliefs to fit new information, we do the opposite, altering our interpretation of that information to fit our beliefs.” - Thinking in Bets

It is extremely easy for us to humans to look at the fuck ups of others and think, "glad that's not me." It is all too easy to feel good about ourselves and not really think critically about whether the lesson might actually apply to us. What I have managed to do recently, with many years of hard work, therapy, and the help of those around me, is recognize that I have been massively fucking up in a number of ways. Recognizing this is key to not doing it again, but I'll be paying for my mistakes I already have made for many years to come. The tangible cost of this, in terms of both opportunity cost and global maintenance following the divorce, is in the millions of dollars. The intangible costs of all this, the lost time, the lost life, is immeasurable. And so, at 38 years old, half of my life gone. I won't quite say that half of my life has been "wasted" - but it sure would have been great to know all of this about myself something like 30 years ago. Alas, what can we do? One day at a time and all that.

I am struggling massively, and I am having an extremely hard time getting from one day to the next. I keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing what needs to be done, but things continue to get piled on. Once again, the thing I am pursuing that I think will have the biggest impact is ADHD medication for myself - that is hopefully in the works. In the meantime, if you have any advice related to parenting a child on the autism spectrum with a new ADHD diagnosis, or navigating an ASC/ADHD diagnosis as an adult myself, please let me know. It is too late to go back in time and get ABA therapy for myself (and besides my four siblings did a pretty good job of whipping me into shape), but if you know anyone who you think might be a helpful contact for me to reach out to, for anything I've written about there (not just the ASC/ADHD aspects), please email me at ramey dot steven at protonmail dot com.

Right, that is enough of my pessimistic recap on 2024. What can we focus on that is positive to end this blog post? Well, Alexander, my eight-year old boy, is an absolute joy. I am so, so proud of him. I love him more than anything in the entire world and I would die for him. And this time in my life, from now until January 2026, will be one of the best periods in my life, I have no doubt. I hope that my publishing this blog post now, as opposed to waiting to release my memoir, or never publishing it, I can open up my world, and Alexander's world, to new and beautiful people who are going through, or have gone through, similar challenging circumstances.

There are plenty of things that I am doing to keep myself busy including exercise, meditation, cooking, Pilates, Google Cloud work, learning new programming languages (e.g., Golang), playing Minecraft with Alexander (and learning to Mod), assembling a gaming PC at home with Alexander, and generally messing around with some side projects just for fun. Alexander and I will be doing a bit of traveling later this year, including to Rotterdam (visiting a friend), Amsterdam (visiting the largest model plane store there), Minnesota (visiting the Ramey family and friends), and Las Vegas (visiting the largest Gemini Jet store in the world).

Footnotes

(1) As I always have, I will refrain from saying anything disparaging or disrespectful about my son’s mother on this blog or anywhere else. However, the time has come such that I need to be able to state facts about my life to tell my story. I will aim to keep things factual when it comes to the divorce/separation, keeping specifics and details to a minimum.

(2) Regarding the times tables mastery, Alexander has a brilliant Learning Support Assistant that thought it would be nice to include this mention in the school newsletter. When Alexander saw this, he said, "Does this mean I'm famous? Does everyone know my name?" Yes Alexander, you're famous now :-)